Finding the right space to share your writing

Putting kindness and compassion at the centre of creativity

Dear Writing friends,

Have you ever had a bad writing group experience?

Most people I work with have suffered at least one awful incident: feeling dismissed or ignored; one person dominating the group; someone telling them their work was ‘too dark,’ ‘too sad,’ too [fill in the blank]; having their punctuation ‘corrected’ with the equivalent of a big red pen whilst the story that has taken so much courage to share is missed completely.

These stories make me sad and sometimes a bit angry.
It doesn’t have to be this way.

Bessel van der Kolk, a psychologist who has spent his professional life researching how we adapt to trauma, acknowledges the crucial part played by having our innermost thoughts listened to, witnessed and understood:

‘Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology; being able to articulate a complex feeling, and having our feelings recognized, lights up our limbic brain and creates an ‘aha moment.’¹

The work of reaching down inside ourselves and finding the feelings that we may never previously have been consciously aware of can be incredibly difficult. As we try to write those feelings, we have to seek out the words that feel the right shape and fit for what we feel, the words that will help us to bring the feelings out into the light so that we can look at them from different angles.

There is something about this process that can be very helpful - but the process needs time, space and kindness towards ourselves. Also, we don’t have to do this process alone.

Finding a supportive space and a group of people who can provide gentle companionship in our private writing can be transformational.

This is all part of the process that I call restorative writing.

It’s not easy to find the right space to share this kind of writing, writing that may still be finding its way into the light, slippery or fragile or half-formed.

If you’re in this process, here are some good questions to ask yourself when you’re looking for a writing group:

• Firstly, try to find out if this group is primarily focused on the craft of writing or on the process?
  The two are not, by any means, exclusive. In fact, I believe that they are intimately connected. However, if your writing is just beginning to emerge, if you need to hold space for what is still delicate and shape-shifting, it’s not going to be helpful to sign-up for a group where members are focused on finding publication. Not just yet. Find a space where you’ll be supported to explore, to grow your confidence, to experiment, to hold things lightly.
  

• Are there some clear guidelines about offering and receiving feedback?

  Feedback is a skill that we all have to learn and keep learning. It’s also group-specific. Everyone needs to know what respect looks like and feels like for everyone in the group. Does the group spend time finding out what you need and the kind of feedback that might be helpful to you for this particular piece in this particular moment?
  
  Maybe you know that you’ll never want to share your writing. Maybe your writing is, for the moment at least, private writing, just for you - and you’re looking for a space where you can reflect on the writing process itself. What are you finding difficult? What is flowing? What is the writing helping you to discover about yourself and your creativity?
  

• Is there a clear agreement about confidentiality?
  For me, confidentiality is a deal breaker. How does the group facilitator hold this space and establish trust? How is your confidentiality protected when you’re reflecting on your personal process? I don’t just mean: What goes down in Writing Club stays in Writing Club. I’m also thinking about how you are encouraged to think and make decisions about what you choose to share in the moment. Do you feel comfortable with not sharing as well as sharing?
  

I’d love to hear your thoughts about what makes a helpful and supportive writing group in the comments.

And I love working with people to help them to develop their restorative writing process. If you’re looking for a space that is both gentle and robust enough to hold you and your writing, a very warm welcome awaits you in our Writing Together community. Details below. ⤵

Next Writing Together live workshop session:
Wednesday 10 April!

WRITING TOGETHER - DOING THE ACTUAL WRITING WITH KINDNESS AND SELF-COMPASSION
6.30pm - 8pm (UK time)
Productivity tools and systems can so often make us feel less than, not enough, or just plain rubbish. Let’s be kind to ourselves and one another. In this workshop, we’ll apply some very simple ideas and techniques for ACTUALLY DOING writing and we’ll spend a full hour working on our individual writing together, with some optional space for reflection at the end. Bring along a project that you’ve been feeling stuck with or something that you’d like to make a start on or tend to with kindness.

When you join us for a Writing Together paid subscriber session, you’ll find a gentle and restorative writing space where you’ll receive support and inspiration for your writing and reflection. Camera on or off, we’ll write together in response to writing rituals, suggestions and prompts and then have an opportunity to reflect on what we’ve written and the process. The first part of the workshop is recorded for everyone so that you can catch up later if you can’t join us in ‘real time’. The second reflective part of the workshop is never recorded, in order to honour confidentiality.

Thank you, dear writing friends, for your hearts, comments and encouragement, all of which help us to build this space together. I’m so grateful that you make time in your inbox for my words. ✨ ✨ ✨

With love,
Sophie x

1. Van der Kolk, Bessel. 2015. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. London: Penguin.